Tiny Hammer Case Files
by Blip-chan
Summary: It was supposed to be my day off, but life had other plans...
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I'm having horrid writer's block and I wanted to try my hand at a Tiny Hammer story. I have a bunch of hand written stuff, so I people are interested, I can update with some frequency. I promise I'll keep working on "Heresy", it's just going really slowly. Stick with me, folks! I haven't give up.

Now, I consider myself a rational person, but what happened to me one weekend in late July passed all belief. It's quite easy to think you've gone completely mad when your hobby comes to life, but believe me, I am just as sane as anyone else, I promise. So don't think I'm totally off my rocker when I tell you this.

It was Saturday morning, just barely 7, when I was woken by an obnoxious noise that was a cross between a gunshot and an airplane. I sat up, bleary eyed and exhausted, and slid into my fizzy sheepskin slippers that were a gift from my mother before I moved out. I looked towards my desk, where my newest models had been drying overnight. Much to my horror, it seemed that my Blood Raven assault squad had come to life and was now jumping off my desk to the floor and back up again. I shook my pillow out of its case and quietly snuck up on them. I managed to catch three mid-flight before the others noticed me. I was faced with 7-inch tall men standing with guns at the ready, and it was all I could do to keep myself from doubling over with laughter. When I leaned over to look them in the eye, my handmade aquilla necklace fell forward, and I could hear them gasp. They lowered their guns as the sergeant snapped a few words and they jumped off my desk in formation.

"Hey wait!" I ducked my head under the desk where they had disappeared and did a double take. All my Blood Ravens had somehow managed to get out of their boxes and had started to set up a base camp. I noticed the assault sergeant talking to the Captain, gesturing to me. I caught the words "saint" and "emperor" and I blinked in confusion. The captain quickly erased my confusion with his next words.

"Brothers," he began. "The Emperor has granted us a saint and we must protect her at all costs!" I sat up as they let out a cheer, scanning for a shoebox. Finding one, I ducked back under.

"If I'm a saint. You'll listen to me," I said, brandishing the box. "And I say back in the box!"

~ ~ ~

My next unpleasant surprise was waiting for me in my ruined city terrain. I took one look at the orderly files of guardsmen marching towards a grassy swale and burst out laughing. At the sound of my voice, the jerked up, guns at the ready.

"Up here, little guy," I said to my now very lively Creed model, who was chomping on a now faintly smoking cigar. When he saw me, he glared, muttering something unintelligible under his breath. I went to pick him up to look him in the eye, but the soldiers nearest to me fired at me, sending a line of painful scorch marks across my thumb.

"Hey!" I squawked. "That's not nice!" I grabbed the pair of tanks, holding the guns facing away from me and shook them threateningly. "Don't make me hurt you with these." Their response was to open fire.

"Jesus!" Tucking a tank under either arm, I ducked under the table and scuttled back into my room. I poked my head under my desk, where the Ravens were setting up camp again despite my insistence that they stay in the box.

"Um, excuse me?" I began hesitantly. "Can you help me? I have a bit of a guardsman problem."

~ ~ ~

Having the Blood Ravens on my side proved to be very useful. A few choice words from the captain and my guardsmen were grudgingly on my side. I rubbed my eyes blearily and went to the kitchen to grab some bacon and coffee. When I opened my cupboard to get the coffee grounds I heard a tinny roar and say a green creature. I compulsively slammed my hand down on the skittering creature and it oozed unpleasantly around my hand.

'Oy, tha' humie just killed da boss." Orks. I had orks in my bloody pantry.

"Out!" I snapped pointing at the clean countertop. "And if I find you in the cupboard again…" I made a violent slashing motion over my throat to end my sentence and I reached back up for the coffee. Much to my relief, most of my food was untouched, including my coffee and I took it out and began to heat the griddle for my traditional Saturday meal of Bacon and eggs. After I was finished, I turned around to deal with my orks. I keep meticulous army lists, and while my ork army was my oldest and largest, I still knew exactly how many models were in it. And I was short the gretchin.

"Where are the gretchin?" I asked, one hand on my hip. One ork whistled and looked bashful. The gretchin rappelled and slunk to their master's side.

"New rule," I sighed. "No gretchin in the cupboards."

~ ~ ~

My final surprise was probably the most pleasant. I had always though the Tau were by far the most thoughtful race in Warhammer 40k and my first run-in with them did little to dissuade me from my opinion. They had managed to get on my couch and were trying to figure out how the remote worked. I could hear them talking quietly among themselves. A battlesuit was stepping on the buttons and a water caste reporter was taking notes. The fire caste warriors were fascinated by the World War II footage on the History Channel and were perched on the edge of the thick foam couch.

I cleared my throat to catch their attention and they froze.

"Uh, guys," I began, kneeling in front of the couch to keep their attention. "You're being really calm, which is nice, but I'm gonna need to relocate you. See that table over there?" I said, pointing to an empty coffee table pressed against the wall. "It's all yours."

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I blame this on my rereading of ToyHammer….

I stood in the bathroom, leaning over the sink staring at my reflection. I was sure that as soon as I splashed some cold water on my face the whole debacle in my living room would be gone. I mean, that's the sort of thing you read in fanfiction. It doesn't happen in real life. Right? I mean really. I'll splash some nice cold water on my face and wake up in bed to find this was all a dream. There was a loud crack and a puff of smoke as something hissed through the bathroom door.

Or not.

The scene that awaited me after I opened the door was nothing short of carnage. I could see the squads of jump infantry dancing in the air like swollen red flies, and the crack of what I assumed to be lasguns hung over the lower growl of ork weaponry and heavy artillery. Every once in a while the boom of a cannon went off. The lacing of lasshots across my ankles, while leaving no damage besides a small scuff, were painful and the last straw that broke my back.

"WHAT DID I SAY?" It was about then that I realized I hadn't set any ground rules about fighting. I took a deep breath, trying not to strain my voice. "Ok, first thing first. No shooting." There was a general cry of dismay and a buzz. I almost swatted the Blood Raven sergeant, who was hovering in front of my nose.

"These foul creatures must be exterminated in your holy name! They are gross threats and will not be tolerated!"

"There will be no exterminating in my name or anyone else's as long as you are in this house, do I make myself clear?" He made to object and I plucked him out of the air by his head. Now I wasn't squeezing very tight, but I could tell I had made him uncomfortable. "I don't want any more fighting. Please?" I think the begging did it. Placing him down on the pocked wood floor, I turned to the next army, which was the guard. Creed stood, every millimeter of him brisling, and demanded to know why I wouldn't let them fight 'like men'. Now, that list would have been very long if I had given him the full one, but I stuck with my favorite.

"I live here and the last time I checked, warzones don't make good homes. So no fighting." He glared at me, puffing away at his cigar. That was when I caught a whiff of the thing. It was somewhere between road kill and wet day-old socks. "And put that…_thing_ you're smoking out. It will make me puke if I have to smell it any longer. There was a collective gasp from the surrounding guardsmen. I took a knee, picking up Creed as I went.

"See this folks?" I said, holding him up beside my outstretched thumb. "He's about the size of my thumb." They did another collective blink, and I shook my head. "To put things in perspective, he's bigger than most of you are." This time, the collective blink was one of understanding.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: To all my lovely reviewers: This chapter and this story would wither and die without your prodding words of encouragement. As such, I cannot write without you.

An uneasy peace had settled over my house. I had gotten my coffee and my boyfriend Mike was still blissfully asleep and unaware of the near catastrophe that had been narrowly avoided. I was pretty sure Creed was still smoking behind my back because there was a slight hint of burning road kill in the air, but I didn't feel like hunting him down again, considering the fact that the Guard didn't like me that much anyways, what with the tank shaking and the yelling and the whole picking Creed up by the head thing. I was perched on a chair that I had slid out from the table requisitioned by the Guard nursing my coffee and this could have almost been normal if it hadn't been for the occasional purr of what I assumed were lasguns.

I had taken the orks out of the kitchen for fear of food raids, and they were now shoved in the spare room turned storage space. It was probably the only reason it was quiet. But all too soon I heard Mike start shuffling on the upstairs landing and my throat got that much tighter.

"Kay, you up?"

"No, I'm asleep on the sofa," I replied snarkily. "Of course I'm up." Mike padded downstairs, rubbing his eyes with one hand. He was a heavy sleeper, which was a blessing on a day like today, but I knew sooner or later I'd have to bite the bullet and explain what was going on. Of course, my boyfriend wasn't an idiot, and 200 odd pieces marching in unison on what passed as the dinner table wasn't easy to miss.

"So…ahhh…." Mike was not elegant in the morning by any means, but this was one of his worse moments."This?" he sputtered, settling for a helpless little open armed gesture.

"This is the beginning of the apocalypse," I said with a sigh. "There are Tau on the TV side table, orks in the guest room and Blood Ravens…" I petered off, unsure of where I had put them.

"Blood Ravens fortifying the far left corner of the living room?" I looked and fortifying was exactly the right word. They had repurposed the cardboard box I had banished them to in interesting ways. It had what seemed to be gun turrets and fortifications and there were continuing updates under the instruction of a techmarine.

"I'm giving up my paint as well as the carpet it seems," I said with a sigh. "At least most of them are on the same…" My thoughts trailed off. I had just remembered that I had invited the boys over for an apocalypse game. And that Andy was bringing chaos marines. They were due in a little under 2 hours and I did not, under any circumstances, what

Sprinting for the phone, I dialed Andy's cell with shaking hands. If this fiasco was caused by something in my house and not just a fluke of epic proportions I did _not _want insane magicians on this _block,_ let alone in my house.

"Uh, hey Andy, yah it's Rose. You on your way? Ok, great do you mind not bringing your chaos? Yah, I know but things are….Well….you'll see, I guess. Thanks for this. Yah, I'll see you soon." Slumping against the side table in relief, I gave Mike a week thumbs up.

_Yet another apocalypse averted,_ I though tiredly. _And this Saturday was supposed to be my work free day….._


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: So, a lot of people have been commenting on the length of updates. I love hearing feedback and would like a little more in regards to this issue. I tend to get inspiration for this piece in spurts and post as I finish sections so I get updates up regularly. However, if you'd like longer updates, I am more than willing to give them as long as people understand that it will mean less frequent updates. I did try to make this one longer though. As always, read and review!

I glanced at the clock again, willing the hands to slow down. Andy, Magoo and Steve were coming in less than 10 minutes. We were pretty regular about our meetings and today had just _happened to be_ my day to host the weekly 40k game. I was very unhappy that this was the day. I mean, my house was already completely invaded and I really couldn't afford another pair of armies as live-ins. 9 minutes now.

I was sitting at the coffee table with the heads of all the parties standing before me, but as far away from any of the others as possible. The Imperials were tucked just to the right of my left elbow, which I was leaning against the worn edge. I had put the warboss in a metal salad bowl to keep him from fighting with the others, but I could tell I was going to need to buy a few more bowls. Or maybe a plexi-glass box. The Tau leader Shas'O Sa'cea J'karra stood quietly in her battlesuit exactly 6 inches away from my folded hands, three drones hovering around her head. I had gathered them all together to explain what was going on, and to reiterate the fact that they were not allowed to shoot each other, or any other the newcomers. This was met to some dismay from Creed, Brother-Captain Terminus and Grok, but I insisted. J'karra was remarkably calm about the whole thing, what with her greater good philosophy, and I was thankful for small mercies. I never felt like I had to worry about them. They kept to themselves and generally got up to no mischief, besides their deep fascination with my television remote. Creed, who was puffing furiously on yet another cigar, was muttering unhappily to himself. I'm pretty sure Terminus was the only thing keeping him from attempting to destroy me and everything in my house.

"I hope we can all attempt to get along with the newcomers everyone," I said with a sickly smile on my face. "Or at least refrain from killing each other." As soon as the words came out of my mouth I knew I had just jinxed myself. Sighing I shook my head and took a breath, only to cough on the fumes of Creed's cigar.

"Creed," I said, fighting to keep my voice calm and measured. "Would you listen to me if I issued a ban on smoking inside?" He made an angry grunting noise and put one hand on his hip to glare. "Well, I'll take that as a no," I backtracked quickly. "As you were." The doorbell rang.

"What's this whole 'don't bring your cultists' thing about?" Andy asked as I opened the door. Ignoring him, I let him step into the space. He looked down at his carrying box suddenly and frowned.

"You kick my bag?" I shook my head.

"You might want to dump you models on the floor. Stuff's…..Well, take a look at the corner." I pointed to the Blood Ravens fort, which by this point looked more like a castle than a shoe box. Andy blanched.

"You think….?"

"I think. Let's open the box up and see." I could tell Andy was spooked and rested my hand on his shoulder. "So far we've got a working truce of sorts. I mean, as you can see, they're not trying to kill each other, though I can't speak to the guest room furniture." Andy gave me a look. "The orks are in there," I said by way of explanation, giving a small shrug.

The Sisters of Battle army that Andy brought was very much alive when we took them out of the box. Terminus was on hand to explain the situation, but I could tell right away that they treated me with a mix of distain and disinterest. Cannoness Alisha spoke only a few words to me, and they were mostly platitudes straight out of the back of my copy of Imperial Uplifting Primer. I sent them with the Blood Ravens, along with another box. I decided I'd give them my growing collection of shoe boxes so they could expand their fort enough to contain the new troops. Unlike the Guard, they had no terrain to work with, and I was happy to throw them the boxes I hadn't used since I took the shoes out of them in the first place.

Magoo had brought Witch Hunters, his only army. He took to the whole living model thing with hesitant glee and was very pleased that his models came to life too. He had poured his resources into getting a very detailed complex army and he had brought the whole thing. We had thought we were going to play an apocalypse game and needed very piece we could muster, but I was not excited to have 10 more tanks in my house. Thankfully, they seemed to get along with the Guard and I shoved another table up against the one already set out so they could have some more space. Steve, our resident terrain guy, set up his stuff on that table and there was plenty of space once the floors were all set up. Steve never bought models, but played with us because we always had a spare army lying around at someone's house and his terrain more than made up for it. It was another small mercy I was thankful for as I cast my eyes around the room.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Please thank Fortune Zyne for kicking my rear about updating this fic, and giving me an excellent idea. It was much needed. As for the rest of my readers, I can only apologize for the wait, and will give you a nice long chapter as a reward.

We had all flopped down numbly on the couch, the quiet hum of far future industry loud in our disbelieving ears. Magoo was the only one of us who was even remotely excited about the whole thing. Andy was completely freaked, and I wasn't very far from it, either. Steve seemed engrossed in something to the left of the television, but I knew this was just his way of coping. Because let's face it, this couldn't be happening.

With the help of the Sisters, the corner of the room had been turned into a veritable cardboard fortress, while the Tau, who had finally mastered the art of the remote, were still entranced by the History Channel, which was now showing a reenactment of the Civil War. To my mild surprise and complete amusement, Creed and a unit of Imperial officers were watching raptly as well, keeping just far enough away from the Tau to pretend that they didn't exist. It would have made me laugh out loud if an exhausted state of shock hadn't set in.

"So," Magoo said quietly, examining his hangnails before smoothing non-existent wrinkles out of his shirt. "This means what, exactly?" There was a moment of uncomfortable silence.

"Well, I'm most likely out of a job," I said bitterly. They all looked at me. "Do you really think I'm going to leave these hellions in my house without supervision? Not in a million years. That means I'm going to have to quit my job. It should be me. After all, Mike makes good money, and I can't ask him to ruin his career." I was rambling and everybody knew it. Andy rested a hand on my knee.

"I work the graveyard shift at AIS," he said. "I'll be happy to babysit during the week. I mean, it's partially my problem too." My friends truly were godsends.

_Sunday Morning_

"Did you hear about those grisly murders?" Mike flopped a newspaper down in front of me, sliding into the chair next to me. The headline screamed "Death by A thousand Cuts" and showed a picture of four body bags. "The reposts say that they were tortured, skin flayed, fingernails ripped out, organs missing and everything. The whole family slaughtered in one night and no one heard anything. Can you believe that?" I shook my head sadly.

"I knew Dave a little. We spent a little time together at a 40k tournament. He played…" My voice trickled off into ominous silence as I remembered just what army he had played. "Shit…SHIT!"

"WHAT?"

"He played Dark Eldar…"

I don't know what was worse about that afternoon, knowing that an army of crazed evil space elves were on the loose and murdering people, or knowing that I couldn't tell anyone without having to take a drug test. I could barely stay still, and Mike, who was more of the calm stoic type, finally plopped me down in front of the television and put on an episode of Arrested Development to try to get my mind of my less than stellar deduction. An inquisitor and his retinue perched on the arm of the chair beside me.

"I fail to see how this is humorous," Inquisitor Davros said with a frown. "it seems to be a group of full gown men acting like children." A smile twitched at the corner of my mouth despite myself.

"I think that's the point," I said with a chuckle. Scooting the battle suit into the last bit of space, I let Mike flop down next to me, eyeing the microwave pizzas he was juggling. He gave me a shrug before tossing the pepperoni one in my lap.

"I really wasn't up to cooking tonight," he said by way of explanation. "I figured one artificial cholesterol bomb wouldn't kill us. And in all honestly, I didn't feel up to any cooking." Pressing myself into his side, I found myself not blaming him in the least.


	6. Chapter 6

Outstanding notice

As of now, I am moving my fanfiction archive to another archive site. If I have chosen to continue any of the works currently incomplete, they will be cross posted there.

The link (minus the spaces): /users/ allofthefandoms

If the work is not on that page, it has been discontinued.


End file.
